Suicide and me

I was looking through the March 2008 edition of Ladies' Home Journal and came across an article about teen suicide. I haven't finished the article, because I lost heart about 2/3 through. I'm not sure I can finish it.

The article hasn't mentioned transgender issues so far, but anyone that is familiar with the transgender community at all knows that many of its members die through suicide. I don't have exact numbers, but given the social stigma attached to being transgendered, I can't say that it's surprising.

What does this have to do with me? Well, a lot, really. I can't count the number of times that the idea of hurting myself has crossed my mind, or the number of times that I got tired of living a "lie" just to make others happy at my expense and considered taking myself out of the equation.

I can't help how I feel. I can't help waking up every morning, feeling like there is something missing on one part of my body and something "extra" on another. I like it about as much as anyone else likes a physical deformity (which is how I see my predicament). Like most, I've just grown accustomed to it. Growing accustomed to my body does not mean that I've accepted it, only that I've decided it is inevitable.

Before I start talking in circles, please let me try to explain what I mean.

From where I sit, there are certain steps that have to be done before one transitions one's gender: therapy, endocrinologist visits, and various surgeries (facial feminization, vaginoplasty, etc). I can't afford any of that. The nearest therapist that I know of that is qualified to deal with (possible) GID cases is at least 45 minutes away from me. I don't go in her general direction very often, and with gas prices what they are, I can't afford to make side trips and pay co-pays for therapy (assuming, of course, that the therapy is covered by my health insurance). After a few years of visits, if I have been diagnosed with GID, I couldn't afford the lifetime of hormones that I would have to take (again, even assuming that it's covered by health insurance), and the surgeries are even further away.

I got married many years ago, hoping against hope that I might be distracted from how I felt about myself. I take marriage seriously, and I don't consider divorce an option. If my wife's feelings weren't enough, there are three children (all under 12 years old) to consider. I couldn't bear to hurt their feelings, one way or the other.

I don't have a lot of time to myself, and it would be completely out of the ordinary for me to decide to take off for an evening. Even if I were to try, local support groups (like TCNE) that have meetings of one sort or another don't have anything going on on evenings that I could get out. I write to some friends by email, but other than that, I'm often feeling alone in the world.

It doesn't help that I can't work out what suicide would actually solve. After life here on earth, what comes next? I'm Christian, and I believe I will be in Heaven one day. When I get there, will I be male, female, or neither? If I did manage to resolve my physical issues, would I get to the next life and find that it was a waste of my time? I don't have an answer to that, and I haven't seen anything close in Scripture yet.

That pretty well leaves me where I am now: I'm tired of being in the predicament I'm in, but I don't see suicide as a solution. Reading about how kids hurt, be they transgender or not, so that they feel they have to take their own lives only reminds me of how I feel much of the time.

I feel depressed and angry, but I don't see what good would come out of expressing my feelings. I'm writing about it, sure. But who reads my ramblings anyway? I know at least one friend does, and I'm thankful for that. It helps to know that there's someone who can read my ramblings without getting judgemental on me.